Spelunking… into HELL (Warning: spooky as fuck)

(I wrote this about a year ago. It is presented here without further commentary or explanation, in hopes that it may be of interest.)

​​It was a normal afternoon. I opened Steam, hoping to play some Alpha Protocol, but for some reason all my games were missing. The gray Steam interface was mottled red, like it was stained with old blood. The buttons looked weathered and cracked. I tried to look at my friends list, but a dialogue box popped up that said "YOU ARE ALONE".

Only one game was in my list: Spelunky. This unnerved me, but I'm a big fan of Spelunky, so I decided to play it anyway.

I started the game. For some reason, the opening scene where the spelunker is traveling across the desert was using the original graphics from the freeware version. The spelunker seemed upset and constantly looked back over his shoulder, as if something was chasing him. In the distance, a dark, hyper-realistic cloud front was approaching, and lightning crackled as the spelunker took refuge in the hidden temple.

Having already completed the mandatory tutorial section, I moved on directly to the entrance to the mines. Just before entering, the little spelunker looked at me with an uneasy expression, as if to ask whether I was really sure about all this. Undaunted, I pressed SPACE to enter the caves.

Once I was in the game, the graphics seemed normal and everything was normal for a normal playthrough of the game, which was normal. I ran around and collected gold bars and even found two bomb boxes on the first half of the first level! "Jackpot," I thought. I started to feel better about the weird stuff I had witnessed earlier.

I found the damsel in a corner of the dungeon and hopped up to rescue her as normal. But, for some reason, she started fleeing from me as I approached. I had to bonk her in the head with the whip to pick her up. As soon as I did, the level fogged up as if a ghost was approaching, and the spelunker disappeared into the mist.

The mist stayed for four minutes, and once it had cleared, there was nothing left of the damsel but a skeleton. The spelunker's face and vest were covered in gore, and hyper-realistic blood dripped from him everywhere he walked.
"That can't be right," I thought. "Is this a hacked game???"

The next level was a spider level. These can be difficult to beat, but I'm good at avoiding the big spiders and it can be very lucrative to fight them off. So I thought this would be okay. The spelunker was still covered in blood, which covered anything he picked up. I found a big spider and adeptly flung a bomb into the web underneath it. But, for some reason, when it exploded, the big spider didn't die. It ran at me with astonishing speed and then the fog came up again. The fog stayed for exactly 11 minutes and 6 seconds. (By the way, 11 minutes and 6 seconds is 666 seconds.)

When the fog cleared, my spelunker had been replaced with a horrific abomination, the genesis of which must have been collaborated in the deepest haunts of hell's stygian abyss. Only the grinning, bloody head remained, mounted on the spider's body. Each of the spider's hyper-realistic pedipalps was dripping with blood.

The rest of the mines was easy with this abhorrent avatar of destruction. Its mighty spider legs smashed through rocks without a thought, and shopkeepers and damsels alike were nothing but a nourishing meal, punctuated by that blood splatter you see when you sacrifice something to Kali.

When I completed level 1-4, instead of the tunnel leading to the jungle, I found myself in an inky black ebony dark abyss, except with a lot of blood. The tunnel man was there, but he had been horribly changed. His skin was pale and white, like the vampires in the Restless Dead levels. Instead of asking me for items to continue his tunnel, he said: "I was trying to dig a tunnel to Hell, but I got stuck. Would you mind giving me… your SOUL?"

I screamed and vomited and ejaculated all at the same time as I noticed that the little box indicating what he was asking for had a picture of my decapitated head, dead and rotting with a look of pure terror engraved on its features.

Then I exited the game and went and found some MLP clopfic and jerked off to it, THE END

(… fine, fine, here's the context.)